Good bye our little Peanut

Dear Peanut

I can't believe that I have to say goodbye to you. On Tuesday I discovered I was spotting a little and I was horrified. I tried so hard to stay positive but in my heart I knew what was coming. I called daddy and we headed off to the hospital. They were all so hopeful there and by evenings end and we had our hCG numbers I was feeling a little hope to. They sent us home to sleep with instructions to come back for an ultrasound yesterday.

Those moments in the ultrasound felt like the longest in my life. I was alone and so scared not having daddy with me. The ultrasound tech wouldn't tell me anything and then she called in a radiologist to look at the screen for something she " didn't like". Moments later they turned the machine off and sent me back out to daddy. We got the papers with the results and they sent us to ER to get the results told to us.

While waiting I started getting bad cramps; I was so sad I just couldn't believe that it was happening. They finally got us it to a room and the DR came to tell us the news. You my litle peanut in all your perfecton had lost your little heartbeat. The overwhelming pain and grief was instant. Daddy was right there with me and we both cried for you; our beautiful little baby. The Dr ordered me some medication and once it took effect examined me.

It was decided the best thing was to have a D&C. I know it was the best but I kept thinking what if they are wrong... I know they weren't. They took me away to the OR and as I lay there waiting I said goodbye to you and asked God to take care of you till daddy and I can get there. You also have many family members and all of your grandparents waiting for you as well and I know they will surround you will love as you enter heaven.

I know the day will come when we try again... but you Peanut will forever be my first baby. I will hold a little sadness of never getting to hold you in my arms always but I will also hold the joy of hearing you were here and carrying you in my body even if it was only for such a brief time.

All my love forever and for always

Mommy