Its been a year
My Peanut Dear
Since you went away
I think about you everyday
And wonder why you couldn't stay
I know your safe in Jesus' arms
But I want you here with me
I see babies everywhere
And wonder who you'd be
A girl with daddies big blue eyes
A boy with a chin like me
I love you my little Peanut
And I know I always will
Rest in Heaven with your grandparents
And with little Trouble to
Until the day that Mommy and Daddy
Can make their way to you
written for Peanut one year after growing angel wings

Dear Peanut,

My little one you have been on my mind soooo much these past few days. Your due date is fast approaching and I am finding myself grieveing for you all over again.

We should be doing last minute shopping, we should be putting up your crib, we should be packing a bag for the hospital. You should be keeping mommy awake at n ight with your kicks and movement, you should be jumping on my bladder making me have to pee all the time.

Instead I am still left to wonder what went wrong. I am left to wonder if you were a girl or a boy. I am left to wonder what it would have felt like to give birth to you and to finally hold you in my arms.

I miss you everyday my first baby and will never forget the impact you had on my life all be it ever so briefly.

I will love you always

Mommy

Dear Peanut,

Mommy has had a very hard time sitting down to write this letter to you.

I am so sad to tell you that you have a job to do. Mommy and Daddy had to send your little brother/sister Trouble to heaven to join you. Will you take Trouble under your wings and be a good big brother/sister till we get there? Will you let Trouble know that Momy and Daddy miss and love you both so much and would give anything to have you both here with us?

I still don't understand why God had to call you home so early and I think about you everyday. Rest easy my little ones until Mommy and Daddy join you in heaven... oh what a glorious day that will be.

All my love,
Mommy

Dear Peanut,

You are on my mind so much these past few days. We have just past the heavenly anniversary of your grandpa... where did the last 21 years go. I am comforted though to know that you are in heaven together.

We found out today that you are going to have a little brother or sister. We are so incredibly happy but in my mind and heart you will still always be my first baby. I see woman who are pregant and as far as long as I should be and I wonder what I would be feeling, what you would be doing... no matter how I try I can not let those feelings go. I am thrilled to be pregnant again but it sure has brought back many memories for me and daddy both... of all those weeks with you and the new things my body went through. They feelings are there, the wonder though is not quite the same. I wonder if it ever will be... I guess in time as I meet new milestones for after the time I lost you they will.

For ever and for always I will love you my little Peanut,

Mommy

Dear Peanut,

We went to a special memorial service for you today. Each year there is a service held for all the mommies and daddies who have had to send babies to heaven. It was sad but it also made mommy feel so much better. I needed to be able to say goodbye to you in a formal way.

The service was so nice. Daddy and I each lit a candle for you and then recieved special bracelets, pebbles and a plant all in your honor. Once that part of the service was done we went to the cemetery and released balloons...because we never knew if you were a girl or a boy daddy and I decided to release one pink balloon and one blue balloon. We also each wrote you a special message and watched with tears in our eyes as the balloons drifted heavenwards. I wonder if you and all your baby companions were up there looking down on all of us looking up at you.

There still is not a day that goes by that I don't think of you. I still wonder each day who you would have looked liked and what kind of person you would have grown up to be. I will still never understand the reason you were called to heaven so early but I am learning to live with the thought of you being my very own special angel and I know the day will come when I will hold you in my arms. Until them my precious baby always remember how much you are loved and missed!

All my love,
Mommy

Dear Peanut,

Its Mother's Day today and I find myself missing you again. By now I should have been feeling you move in my stomach... I should have felt your little feet under my heart. I will never understand why you had to go. I was reading some stories from other angel mommies today and found this poem...

An Angel Never Dies

Don't let them say, I wasn't born

That something stopped my heart

I felt each tender squeeze you gave

I've loved you from the start.

Although my body you can't hold,

It doesn't mean I'm gone.

This world was worthy, not, of me

God chose that I move on.

I know the pain that drowns your soul,

What you are forced to face.

You have my word,

I'll fill your arms

Someday we will embrace.

You'll hear that it was "meant to be,

God doesn't make mistakes"

But that won't soften your worst blow..

Or make your heart not ache.

I'm watching over all you do,

another child you'll bear.

Believe me when I say to you,

That I am always there.

There will come a time,

I promise you When you will hold my hand

, Stroke my face and kiss my lips

And then you'll understand.

Although, I've never breathed your air,

Or gazed into your eyes..

That doesn't mean I never "was"

An Angel Never Dies........

anonymous

All my love for now and always,

Mommy

Dear Peanut,

I cannot believe how fast the time is going. It is one month since you grew your wings and we had to say goodbye.... but there are moments when it still feels like yesterday.

This last week mommy and daddy wondered if I might be PG again. It was such a bittersweet thought. I miss you so much and still don't understand why you had to go but at the same time we want to have a baby here with us on earth... your little brother or sister. I felt bad for wanting it so much and yet I know you would understand. As it turned out I wasn't PG and we will have to wait a little longer.

In the meantime, my little Peanut I hope you are resting peacefully and enjoying your life in heaven with all your loving family. I know the time will come when I get to meet you in heaven and until then always remeber though we never got to hold you in our arms you will live forever in our hearts.

All my love forever and for always,

Mommy

Dear Peanut,

It is hard to believe that two weeks have past since you grew your angel wings. Mommy and daddy still miss you but slowly our hearts are beginning to heal. You my first baby brought so much to us in the short time that you were here. You gave us a joy that neither of us had ever felt before and long to feel again. I have been thinking so much these past few days about your Granny. I wonder if she's up there cuddling you at night and giving you the love that we can't share right now. I know the day will come that we see you again and until the day comes that I can hold you in heaven I will hold you close in my heart

All my love forever and for always,

Mommy

Prayer for Peanut

Dear Father In Heaven Please Hear My Plea

Please Take Care Of Our Baby For Me

Please God Hold Our Baby Tight

Please Let Peanut Feel Our Love Each And Every Night

Please Let My Parents And Jay's Parents To

Help You Take Care Of Peanut As Only Other Angels Can Do

Please Let Peanut Know How Mommy and Daddy Miss Their Baby So

Please Help Us To Heal As We Try To Understand Why Peanut had to Go

Please Help Us Find Peace Here On Earth

Please Love Our Baby To Whom I Never Gave Birth

Our Time Will Come In Which Heaven We'll Be

Till The God Please Take Care Of Our Baby For Me

Written for Peanut by Mommy Two Weeks after you grew your angel wings

Angel Wings

You Were A Gift From Up Above

A Constant Sign Of Mommy and Daddy's Love

But Your Time Here Was Not To Be

So God Whispered Softly, "Peanut Come With Me"

That Night You Grew Your Angel Wings

And Thoughts Of You Both Tears And Comfort Brings

The Nights These Days Are Far Too Long

Oh How I want My Chance To Sing You Lullabye Songs

But God In His Wisdom Saw Something We Could Not See

And That's Why He Whispered, "Peanut Come With Me"

I Love You My Precious Baby With Angel Wings

Forever I Will Keep Your Memory And The Joy That It Brings

Written for Peanut by Mommy 7 days after you grew your Angel Wings

My Precious Little Baby

The Seconds Go By

The Minutes Move On

It's Been Four Days Yet I Can't Believe You're Gone

My Precious Little Baby, A Daughter or A Son?

Oh God Why Did You have To Take Our Precious Little One?

Did She Have Her Daddy's Nose, Did He have His Mommy's Grin?

Did He Have his Grandpa's Fire Red Hair Or His Granny's Turned Up Chin?

My Heart Is Shattered And Feels Like It Will Never Mend

Will This Heartbreak Ever End?

The Time Slides By

The Hours Move On

Its Been Four Days Oh How Can You Be Gone?

My Precious Little Baby. A Doughter Or A Son?

Oh God Why Did You Have To Take Our Precious Little One?

Written for Peanut by Mommy April 2, 2006

To Our Angel

The one I can't hold

The one I can't see

Is what I am told
I felt your little spirit

Living in me

Though such a short time

It was precious you see
My life seemed so perfect

My dream would come true

My own little bundle

Whether pink or blue
Everyone loved you

Just waiting to see

Would you look like your daddy

Or exactly like me
These things are the things

We will never know

Because God in heaven

Said you needed to go
He must have his reasons

I can't yet understand

Did he come down to get you

Did he hold out his hand
Someday you can tell me

About his sweet embrace

As he took you from us

To that wonderful place
Till that day comes

Don't be afraid

Heaven is safe

For us it was made
We won't say goodbye

My sweet little one

You'll always be

A part of me
We love you our baby

Our sweet little one

We'll see you again

When our time is done
(Author Unknown)

Good bye our little Peanut

Dear Peanut

I can't believe that I have to say goodbye to you. On Tuesday I discovered I was spotting a little and I was horrified. I tried so hard to stay positive but in my heart I knew what was coming. I called daddy and we headed off to the hospital. They were all so hopeful there and by evenings end and we had our hCG numbers I was feeling a little hope to. They sent us home to sleep with instructions to come back for an ultrasound yesterday.

Those moments in the ultrasound felt like the longest in my life. I was alone and so scared not having daddy with me. The ultrasound tech wouldn't tell me anything and then she called in a radiologist to look at the screen for something she " didn't like". Moments later they turned the machine off and sent me back out to daddy. We got the papers with the results and they sent us to ER to get the results told to us.

While waiting I started getting bad cramps; I was so sad I just couldn't believe that it was happening. They finally got us it to a room and the DR came to tell us the news. You my litle peanut in all your perfecton had lost your little heartbeat. The overwhelming pain and grief was instant. Daddy was right there with me and we both cried for you; our beautiful little baby. The Dr ordered me some medication and once it took effect examined me.

It was decided the best thing was to have a D&C. I know it was the best but I kept thinking what if they are wrong... I know they weren't. They took me away to the OR and as I lay there waiting I said goodbye to you and asked God to take care of you till daddy and I can get there. You also have many family members and all of your grandparents waiting for you as well and I know they will surround you will love as you enter heaven.

I know the day will come when we try again... but you Peanut will forever be my first baby. I will hold a little sadness of never getting to hold you in my arms always but I will also hold the joy of hearing you were here and carrying you in my body even if it was only for such a brief time.

All my love forever and for always

Mommy

Alone with my thoughts again...

Dear Peanut,

Well its just you and me awake right now... or I am assuming you are awake because you are still to little for me to feel you moving around lol. Daddy is peacefully sleeping... it seems odd because since you joined us he usually goes to sleep when I do and gets up when I do... I've been spoiled :)

I wonder how many nights we will share like this, how long will you have the need to wake me to feed you and give you comfort. I must say mommy LOVES her sleep but I am longing already for those late night cuddles and quiet times.

I don't think there is a mintue of the day where some sort of thought of you doesn't cross my mind. I still wonder who you will look like and if you are Grant or Dorie but more often I wonder how daddy and I are going to fair as parents. Will we do all the right things, when we make a mistake will be fix it and be able to move on, will you grow up knowing regardless of anything that happens that you were soooo wanted and so incredibly love from the moment of conception. I want to protect you from all that is wrong with this world but I also know I will need to give you space and let you grow up to be who you were meant to be.

So many questions, so many thoughts, so many moments of the sheer wonder of you developing in my body. I am so loving this part of the adventure and will treasure every little change... its going by so fast... I dread to think how fast your childhood will go UGH lol. Well no point in dwelling on that yet; for now I will just enjoy having you in me and continue to dream of the day you are in my arms :)

All my love,
Mommy

Random Thoughts.....

Dear Peanut,

As always since the day I found out you were on the way I find my thoughts jumping frm place to place. I wonder who you will be, I wonder what you will look like... will you have daddy's cute nose, will you have my turned up chin. The time is going by so fast and yet it is standing still. I can't wait to see you and to hold you in my arms and yet I am savoring every moment I am pregnant and am still amazed on a daily basis that you are in me and the changes that my body is going through to support your life... and that my dear litte one I wouldn't change for the world.

The hormones are not the most fun thing in the world... poor daddy. In the last few days I have discovered what the books mean about irrational tears lol. I can be so so happy and having such a super day and then I am crying. The emotions can be so overwhelming at times. But your daddy well he is simply amazing and helps me through everytime and gets my smile back. The tears come from sheer joy too... I still get teary when I think about the day I learned of you :)

I was walking to work yesterday and had so many thoughts of your Granny. I wonder what she would be thinking. I know she would be thrilled just as she was when all your cousins came in to this world... but somehow I wonder if it might be a little bittersweet for her because I was her baby. I wish she was here to share all these moments with me, I wish it was her I could call when I have questions... but in her place we have your Nana ( your auntie Lynne really but she has earned the nana title :) ) and she has been and will be all the things I miss about not having Granny here. I wonder about Grandpa to and what he would be thinking. I know they are looking over us and will be your very own special guardian angels. I think about your other grandma and grandpa.... I so wish I could have met them and I wish they were still here to meet you too. And even though they are not here they have given me the most precious gift... they raised your daddy to be such an amazing man !

Daddy is a very happy camper this last few days because my tummy is finally settling down and it seems you have decided to let me enjoy meat again lol. I discovered this week that you really hate boiled perogies and rudely interuppted my bath to make sure I only fry them from now on ... but oh well I guess I can let you be a picky eater... for now that is. Chocolate milk seems to be the only thing I am really craving at this point... I swear if I was allowed to I could drink 4 litres a day lol. Otherwise I am still eating all your favorites and experimenting with the stuff you didn't like that I am missing lol

I have been talking to you lots and have even begun to sing to you.... I wonder if you will recognize the songs when I sing them to you as I rock you to sleep at tnight in the months down the road. It was funny at work yesterday... I was sitting singing very quietly to you and one of my clients caught me... he came and sat and listened and rubbed my tummy at one point ( I think because I was)... had such big smiles and when I was done he went off to do his own thing. It was neat to see his reaction. I am curious how my two guys at work will do once you are here... I look forward to introducing them to you.

I am counting down the days to our ultasound. I can't wait to get a little glimps of you... maybe I'll get a sneak preview of whose nose you will have! I am even more excited to learn how big you are and when you are supposed to be joining us... we have a prety good idea and the way mommy feels goes with that same timeline... only 12 more days! We have decided to not find out if you are Dorie or Grant.... we want to wait till the moment you enter this world to get the answer to that question... till then you will remain peanut:)

All my love,

Mommy

And here comes mother bear.....

Dear Peanut,

Well you and I have certainly had a stressful day. Work was just simply unpleasent to say the least and top that off with tromping through HUGE amounts of snow certainly made mommy cranky to say the least.

I was involved in an incident at work today. I had a client having some issues and in the process he punched my stomach... barely hard enough to even feel but none the less he hit me. I nearly saw red. He was promptly reprimanded and not allowed anywhere close to me for the rest of the day.

What caught me off guard were the feelings after the fact. I actually had to lock myself away and clear up the tears of fear I couldn't seem to control. I knew you were okay but the thought that something could have happened that could have taken you away from me was too much to bear. I can not believe the sense of protection I have of you already and how much I already love you. I thought about it all the way home and wondered if the feelings are this intense now how on earth am I going to handle it when I am holding you in my arms... all I can say is thank god daddy will be right there with me :)

All my love,

Mommy

Did some one say shopping....

Dear Peanut,

Do you know that mommy loves to shop ( much to daddy's chagrin lol). Well yesterday all that was on my mind during shopping was you. We past a maternity store at the mall and I noticed they had a sale on so I dragged daddy in to take a peek. Well a few minutes later I was in the change room trying on a pair of jeans... tummy panels are comfy lol. I know its going to be a while before I really need them but they were such a great deal ( only $20) and well its just plain old exciting to think that the day will be here soon that they are a neccesity :).

From the maternity shop we wandered the mall... daddy enjoys looking at little tiny shoes :) And eventually made our way to Chapters. We had been there a few days earlier and I had looked at books... this time I bought some. I got myself What to Expect When You are Expecting and Your Pregnacy Week by Week. I LOVE them :) Its so exciting reading about how you are growing and developing and its wonderful to read about the changes my body will/has gone through. I feel very reassured about some of the things I have been feeling and not feeling silly to think that my waist line has changed already :)

There are still moments that I am scared the DR is going to call and "take" you back from me and say the positive test was a mistake lol. But I know that won't really happen. Its still just so surreal that you are finally here and the count down is on to us holding you in our arms.

All my love,
Mommy

To eat it or not eat it that is the question.....

Dear Peanut,

What an impact you are making on my life... not that I am complaining though:) So far you have very distinct likes and dislikes of the foods mommy eats. So far you really like... fried perogies with LOTS of onions, Kraft Dinner cooked till its mushy, Ichiban noodles cooked mushy, peanut butter on pretty much anything, toast, brieton crackers, rye or white bread, any kind of pudding, tuna , corn, ice cream and soft basted eggs, .... quite the odd list. You will tolerate milk if I drink it slow, mushroom soup sometimes, some meat depending on how its cooked... well hidden in garlic or breading seems to be best. You have a very strong dislike of coffee ( wahhhhh), spices other than garlic ( esp italian or cinnamon),veggi ground, most meats, most veggies ( especially carrots I did not apprectiate how fast that came back up today lol) and apparently chicken rice soup.... but we are gonna try that again tomorrow just incase it was leftover ickyness from the carrot incident that made me gag and want to run for cover. Your poor daddy is getting some interesting meals these days :)

My body is begining to change as well. I thought it might be in my head but daddy is starting to see it to. We went window shopping for maternity clothes yesterday and its going to be fun to shop once you make a more public appearence... other than for underwear . It's insane that they want $25 for 3 pair... UGH but you my little peanut are worth every penny.

At work this morning you got your very own hello. I don't know if you heard it or not but it was said none the less. Everyone there is so excited and want peanut updates everyday... they have even picked up on me calling you peanut and are now doing the same thing. One of my clients is already feeling my tummy to see if you will kick him... he doesn't quite understand how little you are.

Its amazing with how tiny you are the impact you are having on the world already. I say a prayer of thanks every night for the happiness you have brought me already. I am counting the days until I can hold you in my arms for the first time and gaze into your little eyes and say I love you my peanut!

All my love,
Mommy

Its way to early to be awake....

Dear Peanut,

Do you know its coming on 6am? Do you know after waking up to pee more times than I can remember I woke up for good at 4am? Do you know I tried so hard to go back to sleep? Do you know my thoughts of you kept me awake? Do you know I wonder if this crazy wake up time is going to be a common practice for us? Do you know that even though mommy really loves her sleep she can't wait for those middle of the night feedings? Do you know I guess nights like this will help me get practice for when you are really here? Do you know I am going to attempt to sleep again? Do you know if I don't thats okay becasue then I have an excuse for a nap later lol? Do you know how much I love you?

All my love,
Mommy

So its not the flu after all....

Dear Peanut,

Daddy and I have decided to start this site so we can share our thoughts, feelings, fears and wishes as we travel through the journey to you joining us and making our family complete.

Its been 60 hours since Daddy called me at work to tell me that after all of the waiting you were finally on the way. Aside from the moment I married him that news made Friday March 10th,2006 the best day of my life... I can't wait till the day you are actually born as I am sure that day will top the list. When he so softely said the words you are going to be a mommy I burst right into tears... I never ever imagined being as happy as I was then and as I am sitting here I am feeling the flood of emotions all over again and find myself tearing up.

You are already making yourself known in little ways. Do you know you don't like coffe.... well mommy does and when I threw up yesterday after having some all I could think of was oh great no coffee for months... then I told you that you had better not make me crave raisens.... God help us all if you do :). For the past couple weeks you have had me thinking that meat was icky... mommy thought she was getting the flu. Well as much as I used to love meat it has become a real chore to eat it but every second will be worth it. Every smell that makes my nose screw up, every ache or pain I feel, every bit of nausea... in the end will be worth it because I will have you in my arms.

Friday night daddy and I had such a hard time sleeping. We talked forever it seems about you and all the changes that will be taking place over the next few months. It someways it is overwhleming and in others not at all. I can't wait to start shopping for you... daddy thinks I shop now just wait lol.

We have told most everyone about your arrival and they are all so very happy that you are on the way. You have a huge family who loves you already and two parents who will go to the ends of the earth to take care of you. I am so excited to be going on this journey and I am counting the days to April 4th when we have our first ultrasound and get to see you for the first time.

All of my love for now and for always,

Mommy